Sunday, March 27, 2011

March 27th - On my way home

I really haven't decided what this blog is really going to mean to me.  I don't know if this is something that I will write for my own appreciation, or if I hope to share information with the Internet cosmos.  Realistically I have no followers, and that's just fine.  I really don't know that I am the type that wants to be known online as someone's whose words need to be read as soon as they pour out of my head and through my fingers.  I really don't have that much to say of any real note on a grander scale.  Of course to me, I think I'm brilliant.  Naw.  Scratch that.  I think that what is happening in my life, in my circle of life (AKA my friends and family) is important.  I try to keep a scaled focus.  I know that to those who have lost their homes in Louisiana are like, "Oh yea, well whatever you're going through, at least you have a home."  The Japanese are definitely facing far heavier burdens just today than I probably will during my entire lifetime.  I don't mean to downplay anything that I, they, or anyone else is going through, but right now my life is just a bit too chaotic and  unmanageable for my taste.

Those who know me know that I like to have a strong grip on the events and decisions that affect my life.  Quite frankly I like to be in control of most people's lives who come into contact with me on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis.  In the words of the world's most self-centered person, "I want what I want when I want it."  Not asking all that much, but then again it is all relative.

So when I find myself in situations that I cannot control 100%, due to my own previous decision or not, I feel as though my life is in the spin cycle with the rinse and repeat setting on.  I get irritable, frustrated, depressed, sad, and never jovial.  I don't find the bliss in uncertain situations.  I don't think that going to the airport, getting on a plane and arriving at a destination without a planned schedule is fun or quirky.  But that doesn't mean that I don't like an afternoon of doing nothing.  I decided to do that, so it's ok.

Right now, the spin cycle is on the "total screw you" setting. It was one week ago that my parents flew into Anchorage to spend a few days with my husband and I on our Spring Break vacation.  I knew previous to this that there had been some medical issues, blood in the urine and some tests, with my dad but there were very general and comforting responses to my inquiry.  Monday night, before the first card of Euchre was dealt in our hotel room, my mom introduces the concept that she has some bad news, but everything will be ok.  Oh boy.  Two concepts that don't really go together, like peanut butter and Italian bread.  According to the results of these tests, my dad has a tumor growing inside his kidney.

Is it cancerous?
How big is the tumor?
About the size of a lemon.
What can be done about it?
Complete kidney removal.
When is that going to happen?
We're not sure.
Any other symptoms?
Are you scared?
No, but a little insecure.
Is my dad going to die?
Probably not.
How long is his recovery going to be?
About three months
How are they going to remove it?
Possibly through his chest.
What the hell???
Yea, I know.
Are you sure you're not scared?
It's all God's plan.
Yea, but are you scared?
A little.
Can I come home?
We'd love to have you.
When should I come home?
I don't know.
What am I supposed to do between then and now?
I don't know.
Why is this happening to us again?
I don't know.

Fast forward to today and I'm planning my wardrobe for my trip back to Michigan.  I was called on Friday to let me know that the surgeons are going to be unavailable during the month of April, so they are going to have the surgery scheduled on Wednesday, March 30th.  I'll be flying into Anchorage tonight and then heading east throughout Sunday night and Monday. 

 I feel so much better being home and knowing when the surgery is actually going to take place.  I still don't' know what will be the end of this particular chapter in the lives of Father, Mother, and Daughter, but at least I have read the first always find out pertinent information in the first chapter of a novel.  Of course it'd be nice to have read through at least Chapter Seven; Chapter Seven is a good one for plot development and you're done with all the exposition crap.  But if my faith has taught me anything it's to pray, pray, pray and leave it in the hands of the one who is in control.

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